22 November 2010

Silence is Golden?

hello children, seems like the more blogs i read, the more compelled i am to compose a rebuttal, and the more i discover my newly found relationship therapist within.
As i was browsing through the web today a friend of mine, the lovely Hopeful Romantic Retweeted a link to Charlotte's website where she discusses the "silent treatment" that men often give women. I'm reading along and there are a lot of questions and proposed solutions to this phenomena that has been going on in the sticky world of dating for years upon years.

As a man reading this it definitely gave me an insight into the mind of a woman, the other half of the tale, the half that us men never get to see or care about sometimes.
Charlotte's post had a few questions in it, some of which i'll attempt to answer, not because i'm trying to excuse the silent treatment, more so because i've done it, and there isn't a man i know who hasn't, and i feel women don't understand why we do it, not to everyone, but certain women.
What i'm gonna do here is take extracts from her post and put a little reasoning into the man's silence. Here we go.

"After all there’s only so long you can convince yourself that somehow their email, mobile phone and Facebook have simultaneously been destroyed in a freak gas explosion."

First off, the answer is in the statement itself. A man does NOT enjoy being hounded by a woman he does not share blood with/is not his girlfriend, this is the be all and end all of this. Don't flood his means of communication with texts, emails, pokes, tweets, bbm's and the like. It's irritating, it's annoying and most importantly it leads to radio silence and of course the inevitable "it's this chick again" statement to his boys about you, yes you, "that chick."  But you really get on and he's such a nice guy and you've told all your friends about him? Yep, the same guy, he's ignoring you now because you're demonstrating some very odd behaviour for someone we've been on what, 3 dates with, i know to some of you ladies this is around the time you start thinking ahead and could he be your man? But trust me, if you haven't met his best friend, he hasn't even considered it yet, wait for the best friend.

The more she got ignored, the more she started doubting the tone of her texts. The more paranoid she got about the texts, the more she tried to put it right by reasoning to the good nature he surely had - with another text…

Ladies, there is such a thing as cutting your losses. If a man, who seemed to like you one day, but pretends like he's lost the ability to communicate the next, does not respond to any of your calls/txts/emails, write it off, chalk him up as one in the loss column and keep it moving. Trust me on this, you need to just let it go, because believe me , he already has. I know it's not ideal, especially when you think you've found someone who you fancy the Levi's off of, but if he's ignoring you when it's something pretty important (Read Charlottes blog) then is he really worth all those tears and all that wine?? 
If you read the post in it's entirety the woman in question called him out on something that changed dramatically in his life the day after they had a perfect evening together, why would he do this? Let me explain in one short, blunt sentence, he's found someone better...WAIT...just wait, before i start getting hate mail, he's found someone better for him, not necessarily better than you, just better for him. Make sense?

"I was gutted. He clearly didn’t want to talk about his feelings and I couldn’t force him BUT..."

Nope, sorry, ladies, there is no "but" just let him go, trying to get a man to explore and even worse communicate his feelings about you is something that you cannot force and that he will not succumb to until he is ready. Don't bother trying to decipher every conversation we've ever had with you, if you said something wrong, if you upset him or if the food you made for him wasn't good enough. This time, if it's feelings we're talking about, and strictly feelings, this is the point where he'll say "its not you, it's me" and as cheesy and textbook as that sounds, it's in all likelihood true. Remember in my last post where i said men are simple, this is where it applies, sometimes it's just that plain, we can't express our feelings to or about you, so we'd rather not, and stupidly we think that silence and ignoring the problem that it(you) will go away, hence, the silent treatment. Don't torture yourself over him and try to make his reasoning complex or wrap it in complication, it's not.

The silent treatment is a selfish method of dealing with a situation which ironically we can't deal with. There are a variety of reasons, but in my opinion, the main three are as follows:

1) it's you, you've become too clingy too soon, and it's a little distressing to be honest, and his last psycho girlfriend nearly killed him ( a brutha still gets flashbacks)
2) he wanted one thing from you, he got it, now he's found someone to be with and it's not you. (harsh but true)
3) its actually him, whether he has insecurities, commitment or communication issues, they're not going anywhere, anytime soon, cut your losses, he wasn't worth it at the end of the day.

And that, as they say, is mt two pence worth, hope you enjoyed. Fellas, if you've ever given a girl the silent treatment, why? Ladies if you've ever received the silent treatment, did you find out why or do you not care?
holla at ya boy

regardless of circumstance, remember to always......Stay Up.

18 November 2010

What Men Want

Yup, i'm about to go there, we've all heard about what women want, we've all watched "What Women Want" and if you haven't, fellas, you need to. I was reading Brothers With No Game and it got me thinking about what MEN want, out of a woman, a potential partner to be. Having spoken with  few good men, we came up with some things we think have become universal prerequisites for Mrs Right, not Mrs Right Now.

Here we go.....

Yup, that's the first thing we as men see, we don't know about you, your job, your family, or your daddy issuesinsecurities, all we see is your beauty. As shallow as it sounds i think it's fair to say that there isn't a single man on this Earth who crossed a crowded room to go and speak to an ugly stranger. I know that's hard to take for some people, but let's be real about this, we all do it, man or woman, i just think maybe men focus more on aesthetics because of our egos. We want to walk down the street with a woman that OTHER women look at and think, "damn."

More commonly known these days as "swagger." How does she carry herself around company, is she the quiet type who sits back and observes and speaks when necessary? Is she the bold, intelligent one, the funny one with all the jokes but seemingly the smartest of her crew too?
Believe it or not, men take this into account once we've now established you fit the above criteria. We'll observe you mannerisms, your dress sense, (slutty or sexy, slutty is no bueno.) the way you speak, how you walk, how you deal with other guys who approach you with their Gung ho attitude. Believe me, the smart men analyse all of these things, how you conduct yourself is certainly in the Top 5 things when we're considering a potential.

As they say, "your attitude determines your altitude" and this is never more true than when we first speak to you. We've gone through our first two steps and plucked up the courage to come and speak to you, so the next 30-45 seconds will tell us whether you're wifey or trifey. I have spoken to many a woman and within the first minute of speaking to her, i've already made up my mind if this is worth pursuing for one of two reasons. Is she worth getting to know on a deeper emotional, intellectual level, or is she worth me chatting up and taking her home, never to speak to her again after tonight? This is how we think, we're men, it's not complicated, it's one or the other, we're not trying to change you or mould you into what we want you to be, we just want what we see, and if that's a potential girlfriend, or just a potential orgasm, we'll find out based on your....attitude.

Hey, congratulations, you made it past the first 3 steps, but what more do we want, surely there can't be more? Au contraite mon frere, we have a few more questions: Do you care? Simple question, diverse answer. Are you a carer? Do you look after those around you? can you cook well, because that's the easiest way to a man's heart, you skills in the kitchen and the home. As medieval as that may sound, we all want a woman who we know can rustle up a meal out of nothing, who you can come home to from Sunday League, battered and bruised and know she'll want to, not have to, take care of your injuries for you.. It's more than the fact you can cook or clean, it's the fact that you're a provider, as women look for a man who is stable financially and has the building blocks to erect a house, we look for a woman who can make that house a home.

This one, for me personally, surpasses all before it. Passion. I look for the passion in you, the drive and ambition to go against the grain, to be who you want to be, not who others think you should be. A severe lesson i learned this year is that Passion trumps Reason, and contrary to popular belief, let Passion guide you, don't allow reason to blind you. Men want passion from the Woman we seek, we don't want Reason, with all of it's explanations and definitions and logic, that's what we're here for. As nature goes, we're the one's who take things at face value, so we gotta have you with all of your passion and emotion to balance that out for us.
I'd rather live with Passions Pride than Reasons Regret.

These are only five things that me and a small group of men think are absolute when scouring the Earth for the woman we want to end up with. It's no perfect, it's not the blueprint to how all women are, far from it, it's simply what men want....Part 1.

So ladies and gents, what do you think, have i gone too deep on this, what is your criteria, do you agree with the above, if not, why not? Holla at ya boy.

Stay Up
(Part 2 coming Winter 2010 - sex, respect, support, "me time" and your friends.)

11 November 2010

Hometown Glory

In My City is a poem i wrote on  my blackberry one morning on the way to work, i love this town, the people, the traffic, the crowds, yes, even the weather. For anyone who lives here, there is a sense of ownerhip, that even though we live 16million deep, sometimes it feels like it's just you, floating through the metropolis of concrete.

In My City

in my city, the people rise before the sun,
the sun rises before the moon is out,
like a child, running into the living room on noel night,
just knowing he got his first bike.
in my city, there are fiends and farmers, prostitutes and priests,

all riding on the same bus,
in my city, they are all different, but to outsiders,

refer to eachother, as us,

like in my city, no-one can come through,
and not recognise the true talent, of that homeless girl in victoria park

with the crazy hair do.

in my city, we drive around like maniacs,
forced to have disdain for anyone else with the nerve to get in our way.
in my city, there is no colour,
like a mish mash of crayons, which you left in the sun,
they have no name on.
in my city, i see little girls walk around with no respect of self
in my city, i see them perpetuate the stereotype,

that all black boys will end up in a cell
in my city, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, 
in my city, there is no line between who is not, and who is normal.
in my city, there is nothing you cannot find,
from the side streets of shoreditch,
to the wide streets of camden,
in my city, every building has my name on.
in my city, we have drug dens and crackhouses,
a fiend walks out, not knowing where her blouse is.
in my city we have heavens gates, golden arches and river dates, 
in my city, the food is just great, will transport you to another world,
where children sleep in boxes and crates.
in my city immigrants are a dime a dozen,
we walk around oblivious to the fact, the most of us, are one of them.

in my city racism is flourescent,
like cum stains on white sheets, ever present
something you will not see if you do not look for it,
but if the right light is shone on it
it never ends, like the sound of deaths feet.
in my city, we have hostels and palaces,
we live in ignorance, not knowing what the business is.
in my city, i will live in joy and in sorrow,
because in my city there is no day like this, not even the morrow.
in my city, out of one, comes many people,
like the most high point on a church, the steeple.
this great city, i will love, protect and honour,
sometimes even pity, for this.......is my city. 

"by seeing London, i have seen as much of life as the world can show"
Samuel L. Jackson

Stay Up

9 November 2010

Enough Is Enough

Every now and then the women on my social networks and in my personal life get a bout of man hating in their system. I don't know what it is, but it seems to come from a place of such anger and distaste that it became the impetus to an ambitious twenty-something male who's absolutely had it up to here *raises hand above head* with this new found disdain for ALL men, yea i said it, ALL men, apparently fellas, "all men ain't shit".

Oh, you know not of which i speak? Well allow me to retort.
These are but some of the things i've read/had said to me about my gender as a holistic entity

"anyone with a penis...I FU**ING HATE YOU"
"you men make me sick, all of you are cheating bu***rds"
"why are men such ar****les"
"yea, well f**k you and f**k Call Of Duty"

Now, these are but a quick snapshot of a whole list of things i have been reading on my twitter of late, i don't have all day, so i've listed my favourites.
The treatment of men as if we are all guilty of the same crime, the minority has now become the majority according to these bitter women.
Allow me to remind those with short term memory loss about "us men" which you hate so vehemently.

Us men who make you feel so unashamedly happy and smug when you know that the way he makes you feel has no equal.
Us men who you will speak non-stop about to anyone or anything within a 20meter radius of your mouth
Us men whom, for all intents and purposes are the one's you define with an entire r&b album
Us men who through being who we truly are, are what you look for in your future, someone who'll wholeheartedly bend over backwards for you when you need us to be there for you, even if we know it's been snowing for a week and there's the steepest hill where you live, will be there.
Us men who, come rain sleet, hail or the aforementioned snow, will do anything to make you forget that bitch from Finance and do our utmost to make you smile.

But that's just us men, the dogs we are, the selfish heartless bustards, just waiting to get a leg over you and every other oxygen breathing female out there.

Let me tell ya'll who hate us so much, if you don't like us, lump us, dump us or become a lesbian, because believe me, misery loves company, and misery seems to be a female and her friends these days.

Maybe, just maybe, you should take a good, long, hard look in that invention you love so much, the mirror, because maybe all men ain't shit, maybe the men that YOU attract ain't shit.

But hey, You Go Girl, and keep on going, past Bitter Avenue, take a left on Lonely Boulevard and stop when you get to a town called Single And Alone, population...one

Yes, we're not perfect, but we're a damn sight more than you give us credit for.

I hope you're enjoying painting all men with your Sunshine Anderson brush.

hate it or love it, these are my words, and i'm not taking a single one of them back.

rant over.

Stay Up
(and yes i realise the irony of having a Maya Angelou quote at the top, but i know she'd have my back on this one)

8 November 2010

Maybe Baby pt 2

So moving on from "Maybe Baby" and what seems like a lifetime's worth of the most complicated/confusing bullshit i've ever had to endure, last night i decided to write, conclude and bury the life of a maybe baby, Maybe Baby Pt. 2.

I wanted to write this as a reminder to myself and to anyone else who has been teetering on the edge with anyone of the opposite sex, that we are too good for maybe's, if someone wants to be with you, they will, if they don't, to hell with them, move on, learn your lessons, and live your life in the knowledge and satisfaction that you'll never have to wonder "what if"...they do.

hope you enjoy reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.

i knew it was coming, you maybe babies are all the same
not in your action, but the life you proclaim

silly me and my optimistic bullshit
never again, not even just a little bit.

i've been there and done it, 
but still managed to allow you to to repeat it

the same thing as before
why, i have no clue, maybe it was your allure.

tomorrow i'll wake up
and it will still be the same
no change, you'll be a different girl with the same name.

shoulda listened to my mind
"disappointment is all you're gonna find"

"remember the last one,
was that fun? 
stop, look, listen, she's not here..
not for the long run, you hear?"

"mike, they're always the same,
maybe babies never change."

like the sun at noon
or the moon at night
don't bother trying, it's not worth the fight.

so i packed my mental shit
threw it in the garbage pit, set fire to it, even added lighter fluid

coz all that baggage you transmit
is sticking to me like a priest in the pulpit

say your goodbyes now, 
coz when i leave, i won't answer anymore questions,
no more, when's, why's or how's

and so, been there, done it, gotta look back and laugh
fuck i bought the t-shirt, even got the jeans, the hoody and the scarf

this time, the hurt outweighs cloud nine.
live your life, without you, is how i'll live mine.

maybe babies are all the same
maybe babies, never again.

Stay Up