I spoke to Brian the other day and while discussing life and his plans to become PM and my appointment as Home Secretary (it could happen), we digressed on to things that grind our gears, stuff that really makes my piss boil, and I realised that there is a lifestyle, that men have been parading around and perpetuating for about a decade now, Metrosexuality.
Now i'm all for living your life the way you see fit, so this is simply my opinion and if you're offended by that, then you can always click that little X at the top of your window and leave the blogosphere. Actually, don't leave, stay, read on, challenge my notions, let's talk about this.
A little while ago, i had my legs waxed, that's right, WAXED, like a woman has hers waxed, it hurt to a degree, but it wasn't as bad as people (women) were making it out to be, it was aa money raising thing, not a vanity thing. How does this relate to my blog today, well, since you asked, after said waxing i was advised that i needed to moisturise and exfoliate my legs as to prevent in-growing hairs...fuck that, i'm a man, there is no way on God's green earth am I exfoliating anything, i'll put lotion on my legs to keep them from looking like i just kicked a bag of flour, but that's pretty much it.
You see my daily routine is thus, shower, no fancy shower gels or anything like that, just regular soap and water, get out of the shower, air dry, brush teeth, lotion body, nothing fancy, dove lotion if you must know, which i use for my face too, pick clothes, boxers, tank top, jeans, t-shirt, trainers, jacket, brush hair, deodorant, cologne and i'm good, all done in 20mins max...to me that's more than enough time to look decent enough to leave my house feeling good
But what the hell have men adopted these days, a "grooming regime" as i heard the other day.
All these fancy facial scrubs and face creams, and exfoliating gloves, having a back, sack and crack for Pete's sake, who does that? There is only one instance where i feel men are allowed to don make-up, if you are famous and on television, other than that, you have no business going in to Mac and asking the assistant which foundation to use coz your current one is blocking your pores.
Men going into taning salons and having their hair cut at Toni&Guy, no no no, my good people, go to a barber, £7, not this £40 for a cut and dry malarky, and don't even get me started on skinny jeans, men walking around with half their arse hanging out, damn it i can see your balls through those jeans, get some proper fitted jeans man, put down the man-bag, what do you need that for, you have a wallet and pockets, ..which man in their right mind thinks it's ok to have hand cream available, with their anti-septic gel and all other types of ungodly things on them at all times...?
But you know what, it's also our fault, not just the media, we allow this as a society, we're trying so hard to be politically correct that no-one wants to pipe up and denounce this behaviour, well the time has come.
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears, let us band together and save the man, save what is left of us, those of us that like to talk loud, swear, spit, drink beer and grow facial hair, beep at the beautiful woman in the Baby Phat denims, spend our Saturday and Sunday afternoons watching football, playing Sunday league and coming home battered and bruised and being proud of our battle scars on Monday morning, not hide them with foundation. Brag about our sexual conquests to our friends, take one for the team, pull the ugly fat friend, no-one cares, so i say to you, real men of the World, with one hand grabbing my balls and one on my beer, join me in reviving the Indigenous men of planet Earth.