22 November 2010

Silence is Golden?

hello children, seems like the more blogs i read, the more compelled i am to compose a rebuttal, and the more i discover my newly found relationship therapist within.
As i was browsing through the web today a friend of mine, the lovely Hopeful Romantic Retweeted a link to Charlotte's website where she discusses the "silent treatment" that men often give women. I'm reading along and there are a lot of questions and proposed solutions to this phenomena that has been going on in the sticky world of dating for years upon years.

As a man reading this it definitely gave me an insight into the mind of a woman, the other half of the tale, the half that us men never get to see or care about sometimes.
Charlotte's post had a few questions in it, some of which i'll attempt to answer, not because i'm trying to excuse the silent treatment, more so because i've done it, and there isn't a man i know who hasn't, and i feel women don't understand why we do it, not to everyone, but certain women.
What i'm gonna do here is take extracts from her post and put a little reasoning into the man's silence. Here we go.

"After all there’s only so long you can convince yourself that somehow their email, mobile phone and Facebook have simultaneously been destroyed in a freak gas explosion."

First off, the answer is in the statement itself. A man does NOT enjoy being hounded by a woman he does not share blood with/is not his girlfriend, this is the be all and end all of this. Don't flood his means of communication with texts, emails, pokes, tweets, bbm's and the like. It's irritating, it's annoying and most importantly it leads to radio silence and of course the inevitable "it's this chick again" statement to his boys about you, yes you, "that chick."  But you really get on and he's such a nice guy and you've told all your friends about him? Yep, the same guy, he's ignoring you now because you're demonstrating some very odd behaviour for someone we've been on what, 3 dates with, i know to some of you ladies this is around the time you start thinking ahead and could he be your man? But trust me, if you haven't met his best friend, he hasn't even considered it yet, wait for the best friend.

The more she got ignored, the more she started doubting the tone of her texts. The more paranoid she got about the texts, the more she tried to put it right by reasoning to the good nature he surely had - with another text…

Ladies, there is such a thing as cutting your losses. If a man, who seemed to like you one day, but pretends like he's lost the ability to communicate the next, does not respond to any of your calls/txts/emails, write it off, chalk him up as one in the loss column and keep it moving. Trust me on this, you need to just let it go, because believe me , he already has. I know it's not ideal, especially when you think you've found someone who you fancy the Levi's off of, but if he's ignoring you when it's something pretty important (Read Charlottes blog) then is he really worth all those tears and all that wine?? 
If you read the post in it's entirety the woman in question called him out on something that changed dramatically in his life the day after they had a perfect evening together, why would he do this? Let me explain in one short, blunt sentence, he's found someone better...WAIT...just wait, before i start getting hate mail, he's found someone better for him, not necessarily better than you, just better for him. Make sense?

"I was gutted. He clearly didn’t want to talk about his feelings and I couldn’t force him BUT..."

Nope, sorry, ladies, there is no "but" just let him go, trying to get a man to explore and even worse communicate his feelings about you is something that you cannot force and that he will not succumb to until he is ready. Don't bother trying to decipher every conversation we've ever had with you, if you said something wrong, if you upset him or if the food you made for him wasn't good enough. This time, if it's feelings we're talking about, and strictly feelings, this is the point where he'll say "its not you, it's me" and as cheesy and textbook as that sounds, it's in all likelihood true. Remember in my last post where i said men are simple, this is where it applies, sometimes it's just that plain, we can't express our feelings to or about you, so we'd rather not, and stupidly we think that silence and ignoring the problem that it(you) will go away, hence, the silent treatment. Don't torture yourself over him and try to make his reasoning complex or wrap it in complication, it's not.

The silent treatment is a selfish method of dealing with a situation which ironically we can't deal with. There are a variety of reasons, but in my opinion, the main three are as follows:

1) it's you, you've become too clingy too soon, and it's a little distressing to be honest, and his last psycho girlfriend nearly killed him ( a brutha still gets flashbacks)
2) he wanted one thing from you, he got it, now he's found someone to be with and it's not you. (harsh but true)
3) its actually him, whether he has insecurities, commitment or communication issues, they're not going anywhere, anytime soon, cut your losses, he wasn't worth it at the end of the day.

And that, as they say, is mt two pence worth, hope you enjoyed. Fellas, if you've ever given a girl the silent treatment, why? Ladies if you've ever received the silent treatment, did you find out why or do you not care?
holla at ya boy

regardless of circumstance, remember to always......Stay Up.


  1. Thank you!

    I think we need to distinguish between a couple of variations in the situation : one where you have just chatted a bit and been out couple of times (which I myself and several others have blogged about) and the situation where overtures were made, sex was had (as in one of the examples) or words that indicated that they were in a relationship were made.
    First instance, it is shitty - but I agree - cut your losses. But in the second instance, I think the action of going silent is straight up cowardly and rather disgusting! To put it bluntyly: man the hell up! If you opened your mouth and led this woman on and you've changed your mind - fine. But say something!for all you know - this will probably cause someone who is pursuing you to move on faster!

    Rant over :)

  2. Hey M,

    I read Charlotte's post and unfortunately for most women I could relate too. I agree with 'The Hopeful Romantic' - men need to man up. It's unfair to lead someone on and not tell them when you're not interested anymore. That's so cowardly.

    Secondly, UNTIL there's been any commitment involved, no matter how lovely the dude is, for piece of mind's sake ladies, keep your sanity and keep a healthy distance from him. Get to know him, have fun in the wooing process but honestly, this clingyness after even 2 months of dating is ridiculous.

    I honestly think if we all took time to just get to know eachother as friends, without the pressure, it's more likely you'd see the ugly traits before it's too late.

    Love the blog!! xxx