you might see me smiling, but.....

where to start is always the hardest part for me when it comes to my posts, regardless of circumstance, i've always found this the hardest bit in a lot of things i do, but once i get into it, there's no stopping me, which is kind of how my life is, how my love life is to be more exact.

You know when you meet someone and you don't really have any set agenda or intentions, you're just two people, two relative strangers even, just colliding in this life, both on your own distinct paths, that's kind of how i've become as i've grown up, just taking each person for who they are, and developing a bond, a friendship, a love, with that person.

You know how as that bond develops you start to notice those little quirks of theirs, seemingly personalised just for you, where you create something that neither of you can put your finger on, that "something" makes you wonder how you only met this person now, at this point in time, after all the drama and bullshit you've had to endure in your life, when this person has been there all along.

You know how it all comes crashing down when you realise just how much you don't want this person not in your life, so you think you'd do anything to keep them there, selfishly, even if in the smallest capacity. Because who else is gonna reply to those midnight texts, or those 3am drunken calls that make you laugh harder than you've ever laughed before. You know when you become like a piece of elastic with them, no matter how far you stretch it, it always comes back to the place it began.

You know how complicated the world is too right?, like how some things will never be as straight forward as you hope, that all the little tests in life sometimes become embodied in one person, that this complicated world is the reason you only met them now and not before.

You know when the elastic breaks, and you also just know that regardless of whichever method you choose to put it back together again, it just won't be the same, maybe you pulled too hard or not enough, maybe you knew all along that the two of you were just like the elastic, comprised of all this energy, if the elastic isn't being stretched, that energy is useless....so what do you do now, with half a piece of elastic?

see what i mean?, starting this blog i really didn't have a clue how i was going to get to where i wanted to be, but i like how this came out, just a short story on something that's happened far too often....i'm just gonna let this soak for a bit.

"there's never a right time to say goodbye"

Stay Up

you are you.

I actually don't have a clue what I'm doing here, or what I want to write about, funny how sometimes there is simply nothing to share with the internet, but seemingly the internet is always sharing with you.

I've been feeling, for lack of better word, down, most of today, it's been a worryingly odd feeling, i gotta tell ya, i'm reaching a point here i'm gonna start eliminating things out of my life, no prior warnings are available to these things, or even people, it's just gonna happen, sorry, that's the way the cookie crumbles here at IDLT, expect the unexpected. My friend once told me, there are things you think will never happen to you in life, but when they do, you're gonna sit there and think, why me?

i think i'm starting to understand what she was talking about, over the last year or 2, a lot of repetitive things have been happening to me, the same shit, over and over again, the outcome, always the same, i see it, i know it's gonna happen, do i stop it, nope, i actively seek a different outcome..and then, it hits me, the thing i almost live my life by, "people will do what THEY want to, not what YOU want them to"..and so, i've become a victim of my own ignorance, sitting here in my bed, writing this, a moment of clarity has hit me, assisted by Boyz ii Men - doin just fine and i've realised, this too shall pass...and i will be fine, and get along very well, without you in my life.

so here it is, another IDLT moment of clarity, a time when reflection, and once more, my writing, has helped me understand, identify and rectify, some of my negative introvert tendencies .

there are a lot of things i am thankful for, my writing is one of them, the other is the ability to extract the irrelevant, unnecessary bullshit we all have.

do what you have to do, for you, because today you are you, this is truer than true, ther is no-one alive that is youer than you.

forget about what people who really can't affect your life directly think, forget about what they want you to do, do what YOU want to, be healthy doing it, be smart, be safe, remember that there is a consequence to your actions, to your words, but live in pride that you can take those consequences on the chin and keep moving, live in the pride, that when you have your kids, you can tell them you did the damn thing, you gave it your all, with everything and everyone that ever meant a little bit of something to you...

"so even though it gets heavy, the load we will carry, grin and bear it, win it and then share it"

Stay Up